


domesticity is a chore

by xwannaflyx



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, itachi is definitely working on a mba, kisame is the only science major, konan and deidara are art majors, konan will shank a bitch during finals week don't try her, making chore charts, no one knows but hidan does but he's probably a student, no one was harmed in the making of the chore chart, there are no braincells in this house but sometimes hidan finds it hiding in the sink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-13 13:47:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28529445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xwannaflyx/pseuds/xwannaflyx
Summary: No matter how frat boy he is willing to live, Itachi has his limits. Konan's only limit, as the whole house rapidly discovers, are threats to her art projects. For some reason, Hidan ends up offering the most reasonable solution to the whole mess.
Relationships: Akatsuki & Akatsuki (Naruto), Konan & Nagato | Pain & Yahiko
Comments: 3
Kudos: 45
Collections: Akatsuki Gift Exchange





	domesticity is a chore

**Author's Note:**

> for pewpewpew as a stocking stuffer for the Akatsuki Gift Exchange 2020! i had a lot of fun with the idea of the five of them being roommates in uni and being idiots together. 
> 
> i will however add that i have never had a chore chart in my house before so this is completely freelancing haha

Hilariously, it was Itachi that first crumpled, the last bastion of sanity in their god-damn, frat-party-like household. “What the fuck is this?” he demanded, holding up someone’s boxers with a pen because god knew he was fond of their friends but all of them were disgusting. Kisame looked up from where he was crouched gargoyle-like over his research paper, stared blankly at the boxers, then shrugged, turning his attention back to the paper.

“What’s he talking about?” Konan yelled from where she was sequestered away in her bedroom. She and Deidara both had a portfolio due in less than a week and Konan had become sick and tired of Deidara trying to find scrap to blowup and accidentally taking her stuff. (He also almost blew up one of her projects that had crumpled when someone had accidentally bumped it off the table. It had taken both Hidan and Kisame to hold her back while Itachi did his best to reinflate the project and show her that it was fixable. Deidara, wisely, had cowered in the corner before fleeing to his room.)

“Someone left their boxers in the living room!” Deidara yelled back, sitting on the sofa upside down in an attempt to increase bloodflow to his head to bring forth inspiration. “Stop being gross all of you!”

There was a long pause. “What color and size?” Konan yelled back. 

Itachi, horrified, immediately dropped the boxers. Then carefully nudged it away with his toe for a good measure. Deidara flipped back over to squint suspiciously at the boxers. “Those are definitely Hidan’s, un,” he said firmly, nodding sagely. 

There was a suspicious silence while Kisame and Itachi stared at Deidara, expressions screwed up in disgust at the possible explanations as to why Deidara would casually recognize Hidan’s boxers on sight. “Gross!” Konan commented from inside her room before the three of them heard her room firmly shut. 

“Motherfucker it is so fucking cold right now my goddamn balls are going to shrivel and fall off!” Hidan snarled, slamming into the house and slamming the door shut behind him. The three turned their gaze on their errant roommate who was currently shedding his winter layers. And then continued to shed his layers. All three immediately turned their gaze to the ceiling as Hidan shed until there were no more layers then marched butt naked into the house to go to his room. 

“That’s why I know,” Deidara said, tone incredibly dry. “I like bang in my art not murder when I bang.”

“Hidan probably hasn’t killed anyone,” Kisame said, kind to a fault. “Recently,” he added with a wince at the incredulous glares on Itachi and Deidara’s faces. 

“Konan’s going to kill  _ him _ if she sees how much snow he tracked into the house. Damp is murder on her art projects,” Deidara supplied with a rather careless shrug. He suddenly bolted upright, “ _ Murder! _ ” he shouted before bolting out of the living room and running into his room. Kisame and Itachi winced as they heard several crashes from Deidara’s room, then an unrestrained and slightly unhinged cackle. 

“He seemed saner in the interview,” Kisame finally offered when Itachi slowly turned to his very first roommate. Itachi raised an unimpressed eyebrow. “Admittedly he was an art major, I should have seen it,” he added, apologetically. 

With a deep sigh, Itachi kicked (apparently) Hidan’s boxers into the pile of clothes at the entrance way and sulked into his room. He also had a group project to complete (why the fuck did he decide to pursue a double degree) and he was positive everyone in the group was bloody well braindead so he was going to do all the research himself, first. 

-x-

Konan is the next (and as  _ Konan _ , the ultimate authority) to fold. “I’m calling a house meeting,” she said sternly as she shuffled into the kitchen where everyone else was huddled around the microwave. Her hair was pulled into a messy bun and she was dressed in what Itachi was almost positive was a sweater that Kisame had once owned. It certainly had the logo of his previous internship. Actually, her sweatpants looked strangely familiar as well although he wasn’t sure why. 

“Now?” Deidara asked, a pleading note in his voice. He glanced at the hot pocket that he was microwaving then turned to give her the most persuasive, puppy-like eyes he could pull from his arsenal.

The way she smiled, lips pressed so thin that they were almost white and the increasingly dead look in her eyes made everyone scramble for their seat at the table. “Now is great,” Hidan agreed with a little too much gusto, even as he clutched his frozen hot pocket in one of his hands. 

“Whose pile of clothes is that at the entrance way?” she asked, almost polite. No one said anything, but all eyes turned on Hidan who was determinedly staring at the ceiling. “And why is there a plate with mold on the living room table where I might work on my portfolio?” she continued. Itachi had genuinely seen nicer smiles from the vipers in his parents’ corporation and would have been mildly impressed if he wasn’t so busy trying to remember if he had eaten in the living room in the last month. He didn’t remember most of the last month as he had downed coffee like water to get through the group project with his asinine, incompetent teammates. “And why is the house such a mess in general?” she finished, the words a little to chirpy to be any actual joy on her part. 

“Everyone got really into their final projects,” Kisame said, apologetically, always the peacekeeper except for when anyone maligned sharks. “We’ll try harder to keep it neat, Konan.”

“I don’t care about neat,” Konan said flatly, allowing the almost pleasant expression to finally fall from her face to show the full degree of half feral tiredness she was living off, “I care that you’re going to ruin my art portfolio and if that happens— _ if that happens guys _ ,” she said, leaning in the table, her eyes glowing with the sort of fervor that most reserved for religion or love or the final project that was the culmination of their degree, Itachi supposed, “I am going to go Jack the Ripper on all of your asses and paint this entire house red and present that as my final project. _Do you understand me?_ ” she snarled, fixing her grimace of a smile on Hidan because he only tended to understand when there were gratuitous threats of violence. 

“Why don’t we just do a chore chart, then?” Hidan said, mostly unphased and strangely reasonable. The other four stared at him incomprehensibly. “Come on guys, a chore chart?” he continued waving his hands like that would explain.

“What the fuck is a chore chart?” Konan asked, flat and confused.

“It sounds like a spreadsheet,” Deidara said agreeably before turning his gaze on Itachi.

“What are you looking at me for? I was rich, we paid people to do chores,” Itachi said flatly. “Besides, scientists make spreadsheets too,” he added, turning his gaze on Kisame. 

“How do none of you know what a chore chart is?” Hidan demanded as, arguably, the strangest person in the house. Itachi's explanation, admittedly, made sense since god knew he was an arrogant prick and fussy as hell. But he was pretty sure that the other three were supposedly well settled adults. 

“I grew up on a research base,” Kisame said with a shrug. Everyone in the house knew that his passion for marine biology had started when he was young and had been firmly encouraged by his two marine biologist parents. “I can tell you exactly how to maintain sterility in a lab setting though,” he added a little defensively when Hidan’s expression grew further incredulous.

“I grew up in the streets,” Konan said with a shrug. “No one is focusing on chores when survival is so much more important.” 

Hidan cocked his head to the side; well that was depressing. “Deidara?” he asked, turning to his last roommate, “didn’t you grow up on a military base?”

Deidara shrugged easily, slouching into his seat as he often did when they spoke about their pasts. “I can show you how to make the bed,” he admitted, “but like my dad was usually busy so as long as everything was contained to my room he didn’t care what was happening.”

“You guys are so weird,” Hidan said with the tone of someone making a great realization. “You guys are weirder than  _ me _ .”

“Well there’s no need to be dramatic,” Konan said with an offended sniff. “So what’s a chore chart?”

“Uh,” Hidan scratched his head for a moment, realizing that he was giving an explanation to the roommates for something other than his actions. “Uh does anyone own, like, a whiteboard? I guess laminated paper works too, technically.”

“No one is allowed to touch my whiteboard,” Kisame said, politely threatening. Everyone remember the behemoth of a whiteboard he had leaning against the living room wall which was liberally covered in equations that no one in the house was ever going to understand.

“I have a laminator,” Itachi suddenly offered.

“Why the everloving fuck do you have a laminator?” Hidan demanded, “wait, no, never mind. Konan, you got a big enough piece of paper that we can laminate to use as a chore board?”

Everyone glanced at Konan as she mentally catalogued the sheets of paper she had in her room; it took a while. “Do you care that it had a nude drawing on it?” she finally asked after some careful calculation.

“Yes,” Itachi snapped as Hidan immediately demanded, “of who?”

-x-

In the end, the group of them made a trip to find a decently sized whiteboard, some whiteboard markers, some permanent markers, and some magnets. (“We should get these magnets!” Deidara hissed, gleeful as he held the explosion shaped magnets. With the long suffering of a priest, Konan reluctantly dropped it into the basket. “You can paper-mache it and make it look different later,” Kisame pointed out and she brightened.)

“So a chore chart is basically broken down into days of the week and various chores,” Hidan said, experiencing the strange reality of standing in front of his weirdo roommates as he explained something as simple as a chore chart. “Usual things might be cleaning, dishes, laundry, whatever. And sometimes it’s broken down into the different spaces of the house. And, uh, the magnet is you so you put it for the chore you’re supposed to have and do I guess.” There was a long pause as the roommates regarded him, expressions encompassing the entire spectrum between confusion and understanding. “I don’t fucking know, man, do I look like I make chore charts?”

“No it sounds reasonable,” Konan said, her expression further along on the comprehension spectrum. “So, like, we might say pick up the trash/miscellaneous items in the living room, or the dishes, or clean the kitchen, or whatever but our own rooms can be free space.”

“I guess,” Hidan agreed. “Usually it’s cleaning common spaces like the kitchen, living room, and bathroom.”

“Our bathroom is pristine,” said Konan and Itachi, a little offended. It really was. Konan, from long memory of the streets, absolutely hated any sort of dirt of bugs in her bathroom because there was nothing creepier than trying to pee and being trapped on the toilet seat as you stared at a fucking spider. Itachi kept the bathroom clean because he was fussy. Kisame, who also shared the bathroom with them, kept it clean to keep the peace and also because he didn’t want to piss them off for the handful of times he had to keep one of his specimens in the bathtub.

“Our bathroom is pretty fucking filthy,” Deidara said easily. “But I’m not cleaning up the bathroom on days after when Hidan got into a bar fight and just leaves his blood and bandages everywhere,” he added, nose screwing with disgust.

“You just leave your bandages everywhere?” Konan demanded.

“That’s not really sterile, you know,” Kisame admonished, a reproving frown on his face.

“Bloodborne disease,” Itachi supplied, lips pressed together.

“Fuck you, I get tested,” Hidan replied, aiming a kick at Itachi.

“Still gross,” Konan supplied. “Anyway, chore chart. Let’s make this, then.”

The five of them rapidly broke into squabbles over what counted as a chore and what actions were included in a single chore obligation. After ten minutes, Itachi walked away and came back with his laptop, a word processor pulled open to supply a neatly bullet pointed list of all the connotations and obligations and implications of the three word chores they were listing on the chart. There were arguments about what was included in “living room” and whether or not people had obligations to clean up their own messes or agree to not complaining if something of theirs went missing. All in all, the discussion devolved rapidly and it took a full week to get the entire actual chart completed. 

-x-

“Holy shit, is that a chore chart?” Yahiko asked as he walked into the room. “Konan, you guys are domestic!”

Konan squinted at her long time friend suspiciously. “You know what a chore chart is?” she demanded. 

“Of course we do, we had a less official version of one on the abandoned warehouse wall,” Nagato said agreeably, also shedding his coat. “Yours is much prettier,” he added because he knew such a thing might insult Konan’s artistry.

“No we didn’t,” she argued, frowning. “I’ve never talked about a chore chart with you guys." 

“Well, yeah,” Yahiko said with a shrug as he wandered over to the chart and the paper taped next to it. “You’re secretly filthy except for very specific things and you were the best pickpocket of us so you were usually away,” he said cheerfully as he read through the list. “Aw! Konan, you know how to clean now? Do you still screech when you see bugs?” he asked, turning to his slowly murderous childhood friend.

“I don’t screech when I see bugs!” she yelled, defensive. 

“Okay, okay!” Yahiko agreed, trying to fend off her blows as Nagato tried to pull them apart. “No screeching, got it.” He laughed easily, as easygoing as always. 

“Do you actually ever bring anything into the living room if you aren’t allowed to complain if whoever is cleaning it throws away what they thought was trash?” Nagato asked, squinting at the list. 

“Oh no, my projects are usually recognizable. It’s Deidara that’s been having trouble with it but he usually wants to blow it up anyway so he just fishes it back out of the trash. Can’t do that with paper,” she said, squinting next to the line as well. “I still can’t believe how long it took to make the chart.”

Squinting from the neat chart, clean house, and the absolute riot of commentary on the piece of paper taped next to the chart, Nagato smiled weakly. “Such a shock,” he said wryly, shaking his head to Yahiko behind Konan’s back.

“Such a shock,” Yahiko agreed, grin wide. He remembered meeting all of Konan’s roommates when they had first visited her at university. He was more shocked that they hadn’t all ended up dead while making that bloody thing. 

**Author's Note:**

> hidan absolutely hated the fact that he was the most normal and most reasonable in the house for that one day and definitely did something incredibly stupid and vaguely life-threatening that weekend to get over his crisis
> 
> also the reason itachi recognized the sweatpants is because he definitely left in the bathroom at some point and it disappeared into the ether aka konan's closet  
> feel free to comment on who you think konan drew a nude of


End file.
